Divorces can be sacred

https://www.bonobology.com/how-i-prepared-myself-and-kids-for-divorce/

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Why lust is cardinal to understanding love?

Lust has mostly been considered a dirty, low frequency word by most and yet it is the cardinal passage to cross on our journey to understanding love.

Most of us, especially the ones who got married early find it hard to discern love and lust and we do not even consider it as something important to delve into- after all if you are happily married and getting your regular dose of sex, why bother to even understand whether it truly is love that is binding you to be together or is it lust that is keeping the marriage threaded?  Mind you, both are essential.

“Lust is the fire, Love is the fuel and without one the other doesn’t last for too long.”- to use my own quote.

We mistake the heights of passion as love and yet when those plummet after the initial euphoria of a new relationship/ marriage wanes, what remains is what is real. Most of the times, by the time the kids arrive and we are snugly attached to the marriage, it’s safe, sane & convenient to call it love.

But here is the paradox; going thru those throes of passion are a must to nurture the love inside us as well but there is a need to discern one from the other in order to truly understand the meaning of true love.

It took me sixteen years to realize that what I felt in my marriage as love wasn’t.

It was an illusion of love. And the funny thing about illusion is that it looks and feels exactly like truth…the ‘Maya”. And yet my soul knew from the beginning that there was something missing in my marriage but it was hard for me to decipher it.

2 lovely kids, secure life, caring husband- it all seemed perfect and I named it love. Isn’t that all I ever wished for? But it was all in the shadow- all darkness, the light was still far. Although it was all churning in my unconscious, my consciousness had still to acknowledge it…my awareness had yet not kicked in.

So after sixteen years of being lost and apparently happy in a marriage which seemed perfect to the outside world, I came to understand the missing link.

I could separate the love from lust like chaff from wheat. The threshing was a revelation.

As I became a fiction writer, confronted myself through my writings, interacted with other men, formed deep friendships with them, the truth dawned.

I knew I didn’t love my (now estranged) husband deeply enough. If I did, I would want to be with him- not for the sake of the kids but for him and us.

I also realized the dichotomy of marriage and love. They were two different dimensions which could overlap and merge at times but they were distinct from one another. The former being an arrangement, the later being a vibration- our highest frequency as humans.

To fit this powerful vibration into a living arrangement is like capturing the early morning, fresh, invigorating mountain breeze in a jar- such a waste to even try.

You need to feel the fire between bodies; you need to feel attracted to each other- no matter what your age or the age of your relationship and that is the catalyst for experiencing love and yet you should be able to understand one from the other, even if they are finally meshed.

Lust is the physical desire -to be around someone, to touch, to feel their presence. Love is the soul; Body is the temple and lust is the expression of that divine temple.

Now, nearing 50 and in love, I understand love on a different level as compared to what I did in my 20’s. Surrendering to lust has taught me so much about the power of empowering & unconditional love.

Lust is pure, unadulterated desire of the body minus the mish- mash and burden of emotions. It’s the sacred fire needed to strip one of all illusions which mask love and you have to be unafraid of experiencing lust to unravel the true gem of love from the buried depths of your being.


This blog was written for www.bonobology.com

Why lust is important to understand love

http://www.bonobology.com/lust-important-for-love/

The truth about grief

It has just hit me- my lightbulb moment- and everything seems to make sense all of a sudden.

Triggered by a powerful article, I just read- I realize what has been happening to me past few months which was becoming a bit of a mystery for me. I was not trying to detangle it at the cost of hurting myself – I am too sensitive for that. Nor was I beating up myself to  unravel this shadow or darkness which has suddenly taken over my life and seem to overpower me completely.

I was aware it was something that needed to be seen and felt because it has set me up on a trail of tears which just keep flowing at the slightest nudge.

And it finally dawned on me today. Just one word and accepting it has broken through all the darkness- grieving.

I had been grieving without being consciously aware of it or mindful of it…and now that this has thrown light on that darkness, I feel illuminated.

Grieving over the empty nest- my kids having flown away because of their studies; grieving over leaving a country and relocating back after more than a decade to a place I grew up in and left while my parents were still alive; grieving over the loss of a life, I once had; grieving over the end of a 24 year old marriage which I so badly wanted to end anyways; grieving over the loss & betrayal of close friends who left when I needed them the most, – it’s all come together- these profound losses which have sort of strung themselves together and become a noose around my neck.

And one needs to go through this mess- the mess of grieving – for that is the only way to get through this tunnel. For grief in itself is a process- a process wherein you allow yourself the kindness and compassion to heal yourself. It’s slow and it’s messy but it is also empowering. Going through this morass is the only path to reach the other end.

And once you are aware that this is where you are and this is what you are meant to go through, the path eases a bit. It is still messy and heartbreaking ; it still rips you apart a bit more  every day; it makes you want to disappear or lose yourself somewhere where it’s hard to find a way back to your own inner world and yet this is exactly what one needs to go through , to emerge on the other side of this grief.

It may take months or years, but your soul knows how much time it needs to get past the wounds that are slowly metamorphosing into scars. The soul works on its own timeline and it has nothing to do with the timeline that you adhere to in the physical world.

All one needs to give oneself is time, and be mindful of what one is experiencing at the present moment, without fighting it like a Knight bent upon winning the battle, even at the cost of killing someone.

And mind you, we don’t have a choice when it comes to grieving.

What is lost, has to be grieved and not bypassed .

For what is not grieved, will grow like poisonous tentacles inside us and will drown us when we least expect it to.

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Coming back home…

Coming back to India after spending a decade in the Middle East ( Muscat & Dubai) has been a fascinating experience to say the least.

To be honest, I was very skeptical and scared of coming back home to a place I had left ten years ago and had since moulded myself into a life of  superior lifestyle, open attitudes, and embracing the joys of living in a global, advanced, top rated tourist destination (city) in the world- it was not going to be easy. And I was aware of this challenge even before I landed here, in Delhi. Visiting your home town is a different ball game than relocating. And India has changed so much over the years- women’s safety, living alone, infrastructure challenges, attitudes of people, being with friends / family with whom one had had long distance relationships- everything carried a question mark at the end. But life is all about embracing the change.

And change is the only constant in life. Coming back home has been like coming back to myself-  almost like fitting into a groove that had been empty for a while now. It’s not about adjusting into an unknown, unfamiliar place but about discovering things about myself which I had been unable to explore till now. It’s almost like connecting with a part of me that I had been yearning for , for a long time.

Solitude is a great healer and the lessons it teaches are phenomenal. Being utterly alone, strips you off all your illusions and burns off all that you don’t need anymore. And my experience has been illuminating till now and continues to be.

Living alone in India as a woman carries its own dynamic but I feel , once you know yourself well and understand the intricacies of a place and how it functions and operates , it can be easy . Each place carries its own aura and energy field & how we approach our life and its provocations depends totally on how refined our interior self is.

Compassion, courage and wisdom are virtues that develop differently in each of us . And our empowerment and growth as a soul will depend directly on these three attributes and how we nurture these inside us.

I miss Dubai terribly and each time I do, I bring myself back to the here & now, the present moment and count my blessings.

Comparisons are instinctive. My favorite brand of coffee is not available here, neither is my preferred toothpaste; the kind of clothes, shoes, bags I used to shop for in Dubai are nowhere to be seen here ;being able to drive alone late at night back in Dubai; to be able to walk alone on the road without bothering what clothes I am wearing…the list is too long . And yet, it’s heartening to know that  we humans can adapt to new places or people if we allow ourselves to flow with whatever is coming our way rather than resist and let our disappointment get the better of us.

No two places are ever alike. And will never be.

My home is now an amalgamation of things I have collected both from Muscat and Dubai and my heart is full of the love I have received and continue to receive from some great , close friends who entered my life precisely because I lived in these places.

I am richer in experiences and friendships today and am immensely grateful for the way living in these places broadened my  view of the world and of life. It’s a priceless treasure that’s only mine  and can never be quantified.

They say, home is where the heart is- but I feel, home is where your soul is. And your soul is its own sacred space. I can relocate to any part of the world now and still feel at home because once you find your home in your soul, you can just keep coming back to it, no matter where you live.

And relocating back to my home town has illumined this truth, magnificently.

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Ruin is a gift.

” Where there is ruin, there is hope for a treasure.” – Rumi

Life can only be understood in hindsight but it must be lived in the present- in the here & now. And when you are down in the dumps; in a crisis that renders you paralysed or stuck and unable to move forward, remember that your biggest and most precious treasures would be found there.

When I realized about 8 years ago that my marriage is over, for good- that all my efforts to sustain it, revive it or nurture it further or even to make it breathe had come to naught, I knew it was the universe’s way of telling me to move on. To let go of it gracefully and find a new path for myself.

My wounded healer archetype kicked in big time and I understood , I could use my pain in my writings to help other distressed souls. The need to delve deeper into myself resulted in a series of study courses and certifications- Soul Coaching, Angel Therapy, NLP, Archetypal Consulting & Angel Card Reading – all added to my becoming an Intuitive Coach & Healer adding on to my being a Writer & Poet.

But most of all, what my ruined marriage taught me was to stand tall than ever. And to understand love at a very deep, intimate level.

Our life expands and contracts in proportion to our courage. And to use one’s pain to deepen our connection to the self is the highest service we can do for love of the self and that requires immense courage. But courage comes shrouded in fear and doubt & the battle which we fight within is the most crucial.

Bitterness, being a victim, refusing to forgive the one who has caused you pain, anger, frustration, more anger, breakdown, the dark night of the soul- these are humps every soul goes through on the path of letting go – what we may call the path towards enlightenment. Breakup of marriage; financial loss; loss of a loved one; heartbreak are all triggers to guide us to reach within and reach our highest self.

And one must allow the process – to allow ourselves to be healed- slowly and surely. Impatience only delays the healing process.

The journey of coming to terms with whatever has been taken away or has been destroyed forever- psychically or emotionally or physically is where you will find your biggest strength and that’s the only journey that will bring out the Buddha in you.

Thich Nhat Hanh explains it beautifully in his book- The heart of the Buddha’s teaching-

“When we recognize and acknowledge our own suffering, the Buddha- which means the Buddha in pexels-photo-210448us- will look at it, discover what has brought it about, and prescribe a course of action that can transform it into peace, joy and liberation. Suffering is the means the Buddha used to liberate himself, and it is also the means by which we can become free.”