The tapestry of love

We are a sum total of all that we have experienced- the pain, the joy, loss, grief, betrayal, growth, empowerment, shedding of so many skins, being born anew- it’s a mystical journey that unfolds to reveal so many parts of us and discard the ones we no longer need along the way.

As we mature, we realize that life is all about the little, simple things. It is never about the big, seemingly important stuff because what matters eventually is how you have lived with all that was given to us and all that was taken away.

As we grow older, and more sensitive and vulnerable, we understand the value of time and come to appreciate life even more and realize the importance of  feelings more than the material stuff.

A cup of coffee shared with a friend, a profound conversation with someone special,  a gesture of kindness , a fleeting hello, a brisk walk soaking in the breeze & greenery, a time to reflect and introspect, inspiring someone, lifting a demotivated person, enjoying the tranquility and beauty of your home, sharing laughter with  known & unknown people, watching your kids grow and evolve, a yoga class, a game of Ludo or Chess- the list is endless. And each gift of words, time and touch that we collect is a freshwater spring that soaks our soul in deep gratitude and light and  brings forth more to be grateful for.

One of the more fascinating things I am experiencing as I age, is my relationship with the divine. It’s growing more lucid, more beautiful and more empowering. It grounds me in a way I can’t articulate and yet makes me soar into the limitless horizon. There’s a surreal peace and yet a certain restlessness and this paradox drives me to know myself deeper and understand the ones I love even more intensely. Because understanding myself is understanding and knowing  the ones I love. It’s intrinsically linked.

We carry within us parts of souls we have loved and they carry a part of us within them as well. We are woven up of so many pieces which all come together in this beautiful tapestry with myriad colors and shades which render each one of us unique in our own ways. The stunning parts of us are meshed with the ugly parts and this cosmic dance of light and shadow is what makes us who we truly are.

We are, every person we have loved, appreciated, revered, admired, lost or found and the grace of each joyful or painful experience  is what forms the weft & warp of the tapestry of our uniquely sacred soul. And to be thankful to each and everyone is the beginning of knowing thyself truly.


Being a woman

We have been called the superior sex; we are the Kali, the Durga, the Lakshmi, the Saraswati, the Sita, the Parvati ,the Radha – so many manifestations of the sacred feminine and yet in the modern society where the roots of patriarchy and misogyny still seem to be gnawing at us, being a woman is still challenging and we need to assert our power at every stage even in the 21st century in order to be seen and heard.

What needs to be acknowledged is that women can be what they want to be- provided they know what they want to be and therein lays the whole dilemma, delusion and suffering. We are still so driven by our mental, social, emotional conditioning that we fail to express ourselves completely for fear of being judged, fear of being abused, fear of being a woman and all this has to end.

The process of demolishing patriarchy and misogyny has begun decades ago and yet it keeps raising its ugly head time and again.

The #metoo campaign was a powerful, collective chant that raised the vibration of a nation that needs to look at women with more respect and dignity and treat them as humans. The best part of it was that women came out in the open to talk about what was meant to be hushed and hidden- what one was ashamed to admit and acknowledge. But my mind questions everything.

Do we need to be vocally a part of #metoo to acknowledge our pain or anger ? And if we are not, are we detached, numb or de-sensitized?

The biggest battles are fought inside the interiors of our beings and once we have resolved them there, that we can talk, flaunt or embellish that pain- but then the need to do that vanishes once the wound is healed.

Do we keep our wounds alive to bring them to the notice of others or do we heal ourselves and make ourselves stronger to fight for ourselves and others who may not have the courage or strength?

Are we reluctant to unleash the Kali or Durga in us, when the time demands without fear of what price one has to pay in the process? Or are we becoming acutely aware and smug of our feminine power that we are losing our compassion, kindness and tenderness that is the core of the sacred feminine?

Strength has no depth without vulnerability and being authentic and true to oneself comes at the cost of being open to be hurt and wounded.

Patriarchy has interestingly, on the positive side taught us how to love ourselves deeply and better. It has to be used as a weapon; a Rubicon to be crossed; a door to unlock the hidden power and love in us as women.

The need to be spiritually strong is a cardinal one along with the need to be physically, mentally & emotionally strong as well if as a collective we have to erase misogyny forever. It will all begin by learning to manage patriarchy cleverly and weaken its roots to initiate its downfall and extinction.

Till then, we can continue to use it as a fuel to grow and become giants of strength and will power.



Divorces can be sacred

How I prepared myself and my kids 

Divorces are not always about affairs, cheating, infidelity or alcoholism or abuse. Sometimes two people who are right in their own way can be wrong for each other and can grow apart in a marriage which has survived close to two decades.

Mine has been one such marriage.

I could have walked out of my insipid marriage almost a decade ago when I realized how lost I was in this relationship. Everything seems to be bursting at the seams but I knew I had to give it all I could or all it needed before calling it dead. That was the only way to come out of it without being broken.

Relationships don’t work because we work hard to make them work; they work because they need to flow without being forced.

We were two different people- as distinct as chalk & cheese. The only thread that connected us was our two wonderful kids and THAT is never a good enough reason to stay in an unhappy marriage, never. It’s an illusion most couples feed themselves to hide the truth.

The decision to leave was not hard, the hardest part was how to leave – in other words, how to break a family with minimum collateral damage.

I needed to prepare my kids (one a teenager, the other in pre-teens) emotionally and mentally. Preparing them was also a catalytic way of preparing my own self (which I only realize in hindsight now). At that point, all I knew was that I had to arm them well to face this upheaval with courage and strength & sensitivity and teach them to be not afraid of being vulnerable.

It was a very subtle preparation. I would not hide my feelings when any tension propped up between me and their father- I would express myself lucidly & even break down sometimes in front of them and tell them exactly how I felt, how I don’t feel connected to him anymore and how I needed to be away from him in order to survive my own self and remain sane.

My kids tell me now, “It was ingrained in your parenting, Mom…the different layers…the fact that you did not hide anything from us …it was just our upbringing that made us accept this easily.”

I also realized, I needed to heal myself fully before I stepped out of this marriage. I didn’t want to carry any bitterness, hurts, wounds, and grudges as part of my baggage. It had to be buried before I moved on.

Hitting the gym daily restored my sanity. I undertook Certification as NLP Practitioner; became an Angel Card Reader preceded by enrolling for an Archetypal Consultant course to understand my archetypes and delve deeper into my soul to explore who I was at the deepest core & what made me up as a person…it was an inner journey that empowered me immensely. Casting one archetype in each astrological house in my natal chart revealed how I felt, thought and behaved. It was fascinating getting to know myself as never before.

The slow and steady disintegration of the marriage revealed greater truths. It helped me understand why it had not worked, what went wrong where, the gaps, the expectations, the disappointments, the fears, the shadows, the darkness and the growing shrinkage of any possibility of a patch –up.

The moment we ceased to be man & wife, the dynamics of the relationship were altered forever. Once the sex was taken out of the equation along with ceasing to be a couple, socially & emotionally the marriage eased and we could help each other heal and since the physical/ mental attraction was on its deathbed, getting back together was off the table as an option.

We were both no longer trying to make it work & wounding each other in the process, instead it was all about releasing each other and letting go of the marriage with as much compassion and kindness possible, although, it wasn’t easy.

Many wounds were re-visited, many emotions and feelings tangled & de-tangled, many scars glorified and flaunted- it was messy as hell.

It took 8 years to reach a point where the kids were comfortable with a separation and matured enough to understand its deeper intricacies. And we as parents were at a place where we wished to be friends (after spending 24 years of our lives together) and wanted to be there in each other’s life- as a presence that won’t fade away; as someone you could turn to in a crisis.

Now separated, life is slowly falling in place for all four of us.

The grieving period of losing a life I once had, and being someone’s wife is gradually coming to a closure. And as I pick up the threads of my new life, I am at peace that I am heading towards a Sacred Divorce– something I had always wished and prayed for.





Why lust is cardinal to understand love?

Lust has mostly been considered a dirty, low frequency word by most and yet it is the cardinal passage to cross on our journey to understanding love.

Most of us, especially the ones who got married early find it hard to discern love and lust and we do not even consider it as something important to delve into- after all if you are happily married and getting your regular dose of sex, why bother to even understand whether it truly is love that is binding you to be together or is it lust that is keeping the marriage threaded?  Mind you, both are essential.

“Lust is the fire, Love is the fuel and without one the other doesn’t last for too long.”- to use my own quote.

We mistake the heights of passion as love and yet when those plummet after the initial euphoria of a new relationship/ marriage wanes, what remains is what is real. Most of the times, by the time the kids arrive and we are snugly attached to the marriage, it’s safe, sane & convenient to call it love.

But here is the paradox; going thru those throes of passion are a must to nurture the love inside us as well but there is a need to discern one from the other in order to truly understand the meaning of true love.

It took me sixteen years to realize that what I felt in my marriage as love wasn’t.

It was an illusion of love. And the funny thing about illusion is that it looks and feels exactly like truth…the ‘Maya”. And yet my soul knew from the beginning that there was something missing in my marriage but it was hard for me to decipher it.

2 lovely kids, secure life, caring husband- it all seemed perfect and I named it love. Isn’t that all I ever wished for? But it was all in the shadow- all darkness, the light was still far. Although it was all churning in my unconscious, my consciousness had still to acknowledge it…my awareness had yet not kicked in.

So after sixteen years of being lost and apparently happy in a marriage which seemed perfect to the outside world, I came to understand the missing link.

I could separate the love from lust like chaff from wheat. The threshing was a revelation.

As I became a fiction writer, confronted myself through my writings, interacted with other men, formed deep friendships with them, the truth dawned.

I knew I didn’t love my (now estranged) husband deeply enough. If I did, I would want to be with him- not for the sake of the kids but for him and us.

I also realized the dichotomy of marriage and love. They were two different dimensions which could overlap and merge at times but they were distinct from one another. The former being an arrangement, the later being a vibration- our highest frequency as humans.

To fit this powerful vibration into a living arrangement is like capturing the early morning, fresh, invigorating mountain breeze in a jar- such a waste to even try.

You need to feel the fire between bodies; you need to feel attracted to each other- no matter what your age or the age of your relationship and that is the catalyst for experiencing love and yet you should be able to understand one from the other, even if they are finally meshed.

Lust is the physical desire -to be around someone, to touch, to feel their presence. Love is the soul; Body is the temple and lust is the expression of that divine temple.

Now, nearing 50 and in love, I understand love on a different level as compared to what I did in my 20’s. Surrendering to lust has taught me so much about the power of empowering & unconditional love.

Lust is pure, unadulterated desire of the body minus the mish- mash and burden of emotions. It’s the sacred fire needed to strip one of all illusions which mask love and you have to be unafraid of experiencing lust to unravel the true gem of love from the buried depths of your being.

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Why lust is important to understand love

The truth about grief

It has just hit me- my lightbulb moment- and everything seems to make sense all of a sudden.

Triggered by a powerful article, I just read- I realize what has been happening to me past few months which was becoming a bit of a mystery for me. I was not trying to detangle it at the cost of hurting myself – I am too sensitive for that. Nor was I beating up myself to  unravel this shadow or darkness which has suddenly taken over my life and seem to overpower me completely.

I was aware it was something that needed to be seen and felt because it has set me up on a trail of tears which just keep flowing at the slightest nudge.

And it finally dawned on me today. Just one word and accepting it has broken through all the darkness- grieving.

I had been grieving without being consciously aware of it or mindful of it…and now that this has thrown light on that darkness, I feel illuminated.

Grieving over the empty nest- my kids having flown away because of their studies; grieving over leaving a country and relocating back after more than a decade to a place I grew up in and left while my parents were still alive; grieving over the loss of a life, I once had; grieving over the end of a 24 year old marriage which I so badly wanted to end anyways; grieving over the loss & betrayal of close friends who left when I needed them the most, – it’s all come together- these profound losses which have sort of strung themselves together and become a noose around my neck.

And one needs to go through this mess- the mess of grieving – for that is the only way to get through this tunnel. For grief in itself is a process- a process wherein you allow yourself the kindness and compassion to heal yourself. It’s slow and it’s messy but it is also empowering. Going through this morass is the only path to reach the other end.

And once you are aware that this is where you are and this is what you are meant to go through, the path eases a bit. It is still messy and heartbreaking ; it still rips you apart a bit more  every day; it makes you want to disappear or lose yourself somewhere where it’s hard to find a way back to your own inner world and yet this is exactly what one needs to go through , to emerge on the other side of this grief.

It may take months or years, but your soul knows how much time it needs to get past the wounds that are slowly metamorphosing into scars. The soul works on its own timeline and it has nothing to do with the timeline that you adhere to in the physical world.

All one needs to give oneself is time, and be mindful of what one is experiencing at the present moment, without fighting it like a Knight bent upon winning the battle, even at the cost of killing someone.

And mind you, we don’t have a choice when it comes to grieving.

What is lost, has to be grieved and not bypassed .

For what is not grieved, will grow like poisonous tentacles inside us and will drown us when we least expect it to.



Coming back home…

Coming back to India after spending a decade in the Middle East ( Muscat & Dubai) has been a fascinating experience to say the least.

To be honest, I was very skeptical and scared of coming back home to a place I had left ten years ago and had since moulded myself into a life of  superior lifestyle, open attitudes, and embracing the joys of living in a global, advanced, top rated tourist destination (city) in the world- it was not going to be easy. And I was aware of this challenge even before I landed here, in Delhi. Visiting your home town is a different ball game than relocating. And India has changed so much over the years- women’s safety, living alone, infrastructure challenges, attitudes of people, being with friends / family with whom one had had long distance relationships- everything carried a question mark at the end. But life is all about embracing the change.

And change is the only constant in life. Coming back home has been like coming back to myself-  almost like fitting into a groove that had been empty for a while now. It’s not about adjusting into an unknown, unfamiliar place but about discovering things about myself which I had been unable to explore till now. It’s almost like connecting with a part of me that I had been yearning for , for a long time.

Solitude is a great healer and the lessons it teaches are phenomenal. Being utterly alone, strips you off all your illusions and burns off all that you don’t need anymore. And my experience has been illuminating till now and continues to be.

Living alone in India as a woman carries its own dynamic but I feel , once you know yourself well and understand the intricacies of a place and how it functions and operates , it can be easy . Each place carries its own aura and energy field & how we approach our life and its provocations depends totally on how refined our interior self is.

Compassion, courage and wisdom are virtues that develop differently in each of us . And our empowerment and growth as a soul will depend directly on these three attributes and how we nurture these inside us.

I miss Dubai terribly and each time I do, I bring myself back to the here & now, the present moment and count my blessings.

Comparisons are instinctive. My favorite brand of coffee is not available here, neither is my preferred toothpaste; the kind of clothes, shoes, bags I used to shop for in Dubai are nowhere to be seen here ;being able to drive alone late at night back in Dubai; to be able to walk alone on the road without bothering what clothes I am wearing…the list is too long . And yet, it’s heartening to know that  we humans can adapt to new places or people if we allow ourselves to flow with whatever is coming our way rather than resist and let our disappointment get the better of us.

No two places are ever alike. And will never be.

My home is now an amalgamation of things I have collected both from Muscat and Dubai and my heart is full of the love I have received and continue to receive from some great , close friends who entered my life precisely because I lived in these places.

I am richer in experiences and friendships today and am immensely grateful for the way living in these places broadened my  view of the world and of life. It’s a priceless treasure that’s only mine  and can never be quantified.

They say, home is where the heart is- but I feel, home is where your soul is. And your soul is its own sacred space. I can relocate to any part of the world now and still feel at home because once you find your home in your soul, you can just keep coming back to it, no matter where you live.

And relocating back to my home town has illumined this truth, magnificently.




Ruin is a gift.

” Where there is ruin, there is hope for a treasure.” – Rumi

Life can only be understood in hindsight but it must be lived in the present- in the here & now. And when you are down in the dumps; in a crisis that renders you paralysed or stuck and unable to move forward, remember that your biggest and most precious treasures would be found there.

When I realized about 8 years ago that my marriage is over, for good- that all my efforts to sustain it, revive it or nurture it further or even to make it breathe had come to naught, I knew it was the universe’s way of telling me to move on. To let go of it gracefully and find a new path for myself.

My wounded healer archetype kicked in big time and I understood , I could use my pain in my writings to help other distressed souls. The need to delve deeper into myself resulted in a series of study courses and certifications- Soul Coaching, Angel Therapy, NLP, Archetypal Consulting & Angel Card Reading – all added to my becoming an Intuitive Coach & Healer adding on to my being a Writer & Poet.

But most of all, what my ruined marriage taught me was to stand tall than ever. And to understand love at a very deep, intimate level.

Our life expands and contracts in proportion to our courage. And to use one’s pain to deepen our connection to the self is the highest service we can do for love of the self and that requires immense courage. But courage comes shrouded in fear and doubt & the battle which we fight within is the most crucial.

Bitterness, being a victim, refusing to forgive the one who has caused you pain, anger, frustration, more anger, breakdown, the dark night of the soul- these are humps every soul goes through on the path of letting go – what we may call the path towards enlightenment. Breakup of marriage; financial loss; loss of a loved one; heartbreak are all triggers to guide us to reach within and reach our highest self.

And one must allow the process – to allow ourselves to be healed- slowly and surely. Impatience only delays the healing process.

The journey of coming to terms with whatever has been taken away or has been destroyed forever- psychically or emotionally or physically is where you will find your biggest strength and that’s the only journey that will bring out the Buddha in you.

Thich Nhat Hanh explains it beautifully in his book- The heart of the Buddha’s teaching-

“When we recognize and acknowledge our own suffering, the Buddha- which means the Buddha in pexels-photo-210448us- will look at it, discover what has brought it about, and prescribe a course of action that can transform it into peace, joy and liberation. Suffering is the means the Buddha used to liberate himself, and it is also the means by which we can become free.”


Working with the spirit

It is so easy for us to work with our minds, a bit hard to work with our hearts totally and we find it completely incomprehensible to work with our spirit- mainly because it requires a different mindset or rather one needs to train oneself to partner with the spirit at all times.

So how does one work with the spirit, you may ask?

Working with spirit requires a primary condition of having unquestioning faith and trust in the divine- of believing that whatever is meant for you will never go past you – that everything is a gift, however painful- of surrendering your will to the divine will and living in the moment without letting the past hurt or haunt you.

Yes, it’s not easy but then working from the state of ego all the time is neither easy as well. It’s fearful, second guesses your motives and leaves you unfulfilled.

When we practice forgiveness on a regular basis- not premature forgiveness, or superficial closure but deep- down- in- the- bones forgiveness which gushes out like a spring of freshwater  after anger has been released and tempered , do we actually begin to understand the true meaning of being alive .

When we live intensely in the present and stop looking at the future with rose tinted glasses or nurture unrealistic expectations from life, that’s when the spirit gets fully awakened and responds to our needs and wishes just the way it is required to, for our best and highest .

When you begin looking at your life with love rather than bitterness and doubt and fear, magic happens. It’s an attitude that needs to be cultivated and nourished.

The mind will offer you immense calculations and permutations to look at a situation or person in a practical, logical way but the spirit will quietly tell you what to do, what you need to do by shutting off what’s not essential for your growth. It will never confuse you or deceive you. It’s that voice which you can’t stop listening to, however hard you try to stifle it.

And once you learn to work with the spirit, you can direct the course of your own destiny and step out of your fate. Learn , unlearn, grow, unlearn- become a child again, become foolish, stop questioning why things happen as they do…just embrace , surrender and accept whatever is being gifted to you at the present moment. Let the spirit take you over.