Divorces can be sacred

How I prepared myself and my kids 

Divorces are not always about affairs, cheating, infidelity or alcoholism or abuse. Sometimes two people who are right in their own way can be wrong for each other and can grow apart in a marriage which has survived close to two decades.

Mine has been one such marriage.

I could have walked out of my insipid marriage almost a decade ago when I realized how lost I was in this relationship. Everything seems to be bursting at the seams but I knew I had to give it all I could or all it needed before calling it dead. That was the only way to come out of it without being broken.

Relationships don’t work because we work hard to make them work; they work because they need to flow without being forced.

We were two different people- as distinct as chalk & cheese. The only thread that connected us was our two wonderful kids and THAT is never a good enough reason to stay in an unhappy marriage, never. It’s an illusion most couples feed themselves to hide the truth.

The decision to leave was not hard, the hardest part was how to leave – in other words, how to break a family with minimum collateral damage.

I needed to prepare my kids (one a teenager, the other in pre-teens) emotionally and mentally. Preparing them was also a catalytic way of preparing my own self (which I only realize in hindsight now). At that point, all I knew was that I had to arm them well to face this upheaval with courage and strength & sensitivity and teach them to be not afraid of being vulnerable.

It was a very subtle preparation. I would not hide my feelings when any tension propped up between me and their father- I would express myself lucidly & even break down sometimes in front of them and tell them exactly how I felt, how I don’t feel connected to him anymore and how I needed to be away from him in order to survive my own self and remain sane.

My kids tell me now, “It was ingrained in your parenting, Mom…the different layers…the fact that you did not hide anything from us …it was just our upbringing that made us accept this easily.”

I also realized, I needed to heal myself fully before I stepped out of this marriage. I didn’t want to carry any bitterness, hurts, wounds, and grudges as part of my baggage. It had to be buried before I moved on.

Hitting the gym daily restored my sanity. I undertook Certification as NLP Practitioner; became an Angel Card Reader preceded by enrolling for an Archetypal Consultant course to understand my archetypes and delve deeper into my soul to explore who I was at the deepest core & what made me up as a person…it was an inner journey that empowered me immensely. Casting one archetype in each astrological house in my natal chart revealed how I felt, thought and behaved. It was fascinating getting to know myself as never before.

The slow and steady disintegration of the marriage revealed greater truths. It helped me understand why it had not worked, what went wrong where, the gaps, the expectations, the disappointments, the fears, the shadows, the darkness and the growing shrinkage of any possibility of a patch –up.

The moment we ceased to be man & wife, the dynamics of the relationship were altered forever. Once the sex was taken out of the equation along with ceasing to be a couple, socially & emotionally the marriage eased and we could help each other heal and since the physical/ mental attraction was on its deathbed, getting back together was off the table as an option.

We were both no longer trying to make it work & wounding each other in the process, instead it was all about releasing each other and letting go of the marriage with as much compassion and kindness possible, although, it wasn’t easy.

Many wounds were re-visited, many emotions and feelings tangled & de-tangled, many scars glorified and flaunted- it was messy as hell.

It took 8 years to reach a point where the kids were comfortable with a separation and matured enough to understand its deeper intricacies. And we as parents were at a place where we wished to be friends (after spending 24 years of our lives together) and wanted to be there in each other’s life- as a presence that won’t fade away; as someone you could turn to in a crisis.

Now separated, life is slowly falling in place for all four of us.

The grieving period of losing a life I once had, and being someone’s wife is gradually coming to a closure. And as I pick up the threads of my new life, I am at peace that I am heading towards a Sacred Divorce– something I had always wished and prayed for.

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Why lust is important to understand love

http://www.bonobology.com/lust-important-for-love/

The truth about grief

It has just hit me- my lightbulb moment- and everything seems to make sense all of a sudden.

Triggered by a powerful article, I just read- I realize what has been happening to me past few months which was becoming a bit of a mystery for me. I was not trying to detangle it at the cost of hurting myself – I am too sensitive for that. Nor was I beating up myself to  unravel this shadow or darkness which has suddenly taken over my life and seem to overpower me completely.

I was aware it was something that needed to be seen and felt because it has set me up on a trail of tears which just keep flowing at the slightest nudge.

And it finally dawned on me today. Just one word and accepting it has broken through all the darkness- grieving.

I had been grieving without being consciously aware of it or mindful of it…and now that this has thrown light on that darkness, I feel illuminated.

Grieving over the empty nest- my kids having flown away because of their studies; grieving over leaving a country and relocating back after more than a decade to a place I grew up in and left while my parents were still alive; grieving over the loss of a life, I once had; grieving over the end of a 24 year old marriage which I so badly wanted to end anyways; grieving over the loss & betrayal of close friends who left when I needed them the most, – it’s all come together- these profound losses which have sort of strung themselves together and become a noose around my neck.

And one needs to go through this mess- the mess of grieving – for that is the only way to get through this tunnel. For grief in itself is a process- a process wherein you allow yourself the kindness and compassion to heal yourself. It’s slow and it’s messy but it is also empowering. Going through this morass is the only path to reach the other end.

And once you are aware that this is where you are and this is what you are meant to go through, the path eases a bit. It is still messy and heartbreaking ; it still rips you apart a bit more  every day; it makes you want to disappear or lose yourself somewhere where it’s hard to find a way back to your own inner world and yet this is exactly what one needs to go through , to emerge on the other side of this grief.

It may take months or years, but your soul knows how much time it needs to get past the wounds that are slowly metamorphosing into scars. The soul works on its own timeline and it has nothing to do with the timeline that you adhere to in the physical world.

All one needs to give oneself is time, and be mindful of what one is experiencing at the present moment, without fighting it like a Knight bent upon winning the battle, even at the cost of killing someone.

And mind you, we don’t have a choice when it comes to grieving.

What is lost, has to be grieved and not bypassed .

For what is not grieved, will grow like poisonous tentacles inside us and will drown us when we least expect it to.

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Coming back home…

Coming back to India after spending a decade in the Middle East ( Muscat & Dubai) has been a fascinating experience to say the least.

To be honest, I was very skeptical and scared of coming back home to a place I had left ten years ago and had since moulded myself into a life of  superior lifestyle, open attitudes, and embracing the joys of living in a global, advanced, top rated tourist destination (city) in the world- it was not going to be easy. And I was aware of this challenge even before I landed here, in Delhi. Visiting your home town is a different ball game than relocating. And India has changed so much over the years- women’s safety, living alone, infrastructure challenges, attitudes of people, being with friends / family with whom one had had long distance relationships- everything carried a question mark at the end. But life is all about embracing the change.

And change is the only constant in life. Coming back home has been like coming back to myself-  almost like fitting into a groove that had been empty for a while now. It’s not about adjusting into an unknown, unfamiliar place but about discovering things about myself which I had been unable to explore till now. It’s almost like connecting with a part of me that I had been yearning for , for a long time.

Solitude is a great healer and the lessons it teaches are phenomenal. Being utterly alone, strips you off all your illusions and burns off all that you don’t need anymore. And my experience has been illuminating till now and continues to be.

Living alone in India as a woman carries its own dynamic but I feel , once you know yourself well and understand the intricacies of a place and how it functions and operates , it can be easy . Each place carries its own aura and energy field & how we approach our life and its provocations depends totally on how refined our interior self is.

Compassion, courage and wisdom are virtues that develop differently in each of us . And our empowerment and growth as a soul will depend directly on these three attributes and how we nurture these inside us.

I miss Dubai terribly and each time I do, I bring myself back to the here & now, the present moment and count my blessings.

Comparisons are instinctive. My favorite brand of coffee is not available here, neither is my preferred toothpaste; the kind of clothes, shoes, bags I used to shop for in Dubai are nowhere to be seen here ;being able to drive alone late at night back in Dubai; to be able to walk alone on the road without bothering what clothes I am wearing…the list is too long . And yet, it’s heartening to know that  we humans can adapt to new places or people if we allow ourselves to flow with whatever is coming our way rather than resist and let our disappointment get the better of us.

No two places are ever alike. And will never be.

My home is now an amalgamation of things I have collected both from Muscat and Dubai and my heart is full of the love I have received and continue to receive from some great , close friends who entered my life precisely because I lived in these places.

I am richer in experiences and friendships today and am immensely grateful for the way living in these places broadened my  view of the world and of life. It’s a priceless treasure that’s only mine  and can never be quantified.

They say, home is where the heart is- but I feel, home is where your soul is. And your soul is its own sacred space. I can relocate to any part of the world now and still feel at home because once you find your home in your soul, you can just keep coming back to it, no matter where you live.

And relocating back to my home town has illumined this truth, magnificently.

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Ruin is a gift.

” Where there is ruin, there is hope for a treasure.” – Rumi

Life can only be understood in hindsight but it must be lived in the present- in the here & now. And when you are down in the dumps; in a crisis that renders you paralysed or stuck and unable to move forward, remember that your biggest and most precious treasures would be found there.

When I realized about 8 years ago that my marriage is over, for good- that all my efforts to sustain it, revive it or nurture it further or even to make it breathe had come to naught, I knew it was the universe’s way of telling me to move on. To let go of it gracefully and find a new path for myself.

My wounded healer archetype kicked in big time and I understood , I could use my pain in my writings to help other distressed souls. The need to delve deeper into myself resulted in a series of study courses and certifications- Soul Coaching, Angel Therapy, NLP, Archetypal Consulting & Angel Card Reading – all added to my becoming an Intuitive Coach & Healer adding on to my being a Writer & Poet.

But most of all, what my ruined marriage taught me was to stand tall than ever. And to understand love at a very deep, intimate level.

Our life expands and contracts in proportion to our courage. And to use one’s pain to deepen our connection to the self is the highest service we can do for love of the self and that requires immense courage. But courage comes shrouded in fear and doubt & the battle which we fight within is the most crucial.

Bitterness, being a victim, refusing to forgive the one who has caused you pain, anger, frustration, more anger, breakdown, the dark night of the soul- these are humps every soul goes through on the path of letting go – what we may call the path towards enlightenment. Breakup of marriage; financial loss; loss of a loved one; heartbreak are all triggers to guide us to reach within and reach our highest self.

And one must allow the process – to allow ourselves to be healed- slowly and surely. Impatience only delays the healing process.

The journey of coming to terms with whatever has been taken away or has been destroyed forever- psychically or emotionally or physically is where you will find your biggest strength and that’s the only journey that will bring out the Buddha in you.

Thich Nhat Hanh explains it beautifully in his book- The heart of the Buddha’s teaching-

“When we recognize and acknowledge our own suffering, the Buddha- which means the Buddha in pexels-photo-210448us- will look at it, discover what has brought it about, and prescribe a course of action that can transform it into peace, joy and liberation. Suffering is the means the Buddha used to liberate himself, and it is also the means by which we can become free.”