Divorces can be sacred

How I prepared myself and my kids 

Divorces are not always about affairs, cheating, infidelity or alcoholism or abuse. Sometimes two people who are right in their own way can be wrong for each other and can grow apart in a marriage which has survived close to two decades.

Mine has been one such marriage.

I could have walked out of my insipid marriage almost a decade ago when I realized how lost I was in this relationship. Everything seems to be bursting at the seams but I knew I had to give it all I could or all it needed before calling it dead. That was the only way to come out of it without being broken.

Relationships don’t work because we work hard to make them work; they work because they need to flow without being forced.

We were two different people- as distinct as chalk & cheese. The only thread that connected us was our two wonderful kids and THAT is never a good enough reason to stay in an unhappy marriage, never. It’s an illusion most couples feed themselves to hide the truth.

The decision to leave was not hard, the hardest part was how to leave – in other words, how to break a family with minimum collateral damage.

I needed to prepare my kids (one a teenager, the other in pre-teens) emotionally and mentally. Preparing them was also a catalytic way of preparing my own self (which I only realize in hindsight now). At that point, all I knew was that I had to arm them well to face this upheaval with courage and strength & sensitivity and teach them to be not afraid of being vulnerable.

It was a very subtle preparation. I would not hide my feelings when any tension propped up between me and their father- I would express myself lucidly & even break down sometimes in front of them and tell them exactly how I felt, how I don’t feel connected to him anymore and how I needed to be away from him in order to survive my own self and remain sane.

My kids tell me now, “It was ingrained in your parenting, Mom…the different layers…the fact that you did not hide anything from us …it was just our upbringing that made us accept this easily.”

I also realized, I needed to heal myself fully before I stepped out of this marriage. I didn’t want to carry any bitterness, hurts, wounds, and grudges as part of my baggage. It had to be buried before I moved on.

Hitting the gym daily restored my sanity. I undertook Certification as NLP Practitioner; became an Angel Card Reader preceded by enrolling for an Archetypal Consultant course to understand my archetypes and delve deeper into my soul to explore who I was at the deepest core & what made me up as a person…it was an inner journey that empowered me immensely. Casting one archetype in each astrological house in my natal chart revealed how I felt, thought and behaved. It was fascinating getting to know myself as never before.

The slow and steady disintegration of the marriage revealed greater truths. It helped me understand why it had not worked, what went wrong where, the gaps, the expectations, the disappointments, the fears, the shadows, the darkness and the growing shrinkage of any possibility of a patch –up.

The moment we ceased to be man & wife, the dynamics of the relationship were altered forever. Once the sex was taken out of the equation along with ceasing to be a couple, socially & emotionally the marriage eased and we could help each other heal and since the physical/ mental attraction was on its deathbed, getting back together was off the table as an option.

We were both no longer trying to make it work & wounding each other in the process, instead it was all about releasing each other and letting go of the marriage with as much compassion and kindness possible, although, it wasn’t easy.

Many wounds were re-visited, many emotions and feelings tangled & de-tangled, many scars glorified and flaunted- it was messy as hell.

It took 8 years to reach a point where the kids were comfortable with a separation and matured enough to understand its deeper intricacies. And we as parents were at a place where we wished to be friends (after spending 24 years of our lives together) and wanted to be there in each other’s life- as a presence that won’t fade away; as someone you could turn to in a crisis.

Now separated, life is slowly falling in place for all four of us.

The grieving period of losing a life I once had, and being someone’s wife is gradually coming to a closure. And as I pick up the threads of my new life, I am at peace that I am heading towards a Sacred Divorce– something I had always wished and prayed for.

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Why lust is cardinal to understanding love?

Lust has mostly been considered a dirty, low frequency word by most and yet it is the cardinal passage to cross on our journey to understanding love.

Most of us, especially the ones who got married early find it hard to discern love and lust and we do not even consider it as something important to delve into- after all if you are happily married and getting your regular dose of sex, why bother to even understand whether it truly is love that is binding you to be together or is it lust that is keeping the marriage threaded?  Mind you, both are essential.

“Lust is the fire, Love is the fuel and without one the other doesn’t last for too long.”- to use my own quote.

We mistake the heights of passion as love and yet when those plummet after the initial euphoria of a new relationship/ marriage wanes, what remains is what is real. Most of the times, by the time the kids arrive and we are snugly attached to the marriage, it’s safe, sane & convenient to call it love.

But here is the paradox; going thru those throes of passion are a must to nurture the love inside us as well but there is a need to discern one from the other in order to truly understand the meaning of true love.

It took me sixteen years to realize that what I felt in my marriage as love wasn’t.

It was an illusion of love. And the funny thing about illusion is that it looks and feels exactly like truth…the ‘Maya”. And yet my soul knew from the beginning that there was something missing in my marriage but it was hard for me to decipher it.

2 lovely kids, secure life, caring husband- it all seemed perfect and I named it love. Isn’t that all I ever wished for? But it was all in the shadow- all darkness, the light was still far. Although it was all churning in my unconscious, my consciousness had still to acknowledge it…my awareness had yet not kicked in.

So after sixteen years of being lost and apparently happy in a marriage which seemed perfect to the outside world, I came to understand the missing link.

I could separate the love from lust like chaff from wheat. The threshing was a revelation.

As I became a fiction writer, confronted myself through my writings, interacted with other men, formed deep friendships with them, the truth dawned.

I knew I didn’t love my (now estranged) husband deeply enough. If I did, I would want to be with him- not for the sake of the kids but for him and us.

I also realized the dichotomy of marriage and love. They were two different dimensions which could overlap and merge at times but they were distinct from one another. The former being an arrangement, the later being a vibration- our highest frequency as humans.

To fit this powerful vibration into a living arrangement is like capturing the early morning, fresh, invigorating mountain breeze in a jar- such a waste to even try.

You need to feel the fire between bodies; you need to feel attracted to each other- no matter what your age or the age of your relationship and that is the catalyst for experiencing love and yet you should be able to understand one from the other, even if they are finally meshed.

Lust is the physical desire -to be around someone, to touch, to feel their presence. Love is the soul; Body is the temple and lust is the expression of that divine temple.

Now, nearing 50 and in love, I understand love on a different level as compared to what I did in my 20’s. Surrendering to lust has taught me so much about the power of empowering & unconditional love.

Lust is pure, unadulterated desire of the body minus the mish- mash and burden of emotions. It’s the sacred fire needed to strip one of all illusions which mask love and you have to be unafraid of experiencing lust to unravel the true gem of love from the buried depths of your being.


This blog was written for www.bonobology.com

Why lust is important to understand love

http://www.bonobology.com/lust-important-for-love/

The truth about grief

It has just hit me- my lightbulb moment- and everything seems to make sense all of a sudden.

Triggered by a powerful article, I just read- I realize what has been happening to me past few months which was becoming a bit of a mystery for me. I was not trying to detangle it at the cost of hurting myself – I am too sensitive for that. Nor was I beating up myself to  unravel this shadow or darkness which has suddenly taken over my life and seem to overpower me completely.

I was aware it was something that needed to be seen and felt because it has set me up on a trail of tears which just keep flowing at the slightest nudge.

And it finally dawned on me today. Just one word and accepting it has broken through all the darkness- grieving.

I had been grieving without being consciously aware of it or mindful of it…and now that this has thrown light on that darkness, I feel illuminated.

Grieving over the empty nest- my kids having flown away because of their studies; grieving over leaving a country and relocating back after more than a decade to a place I grew up in and left while my parents were still alive; grieving over the loss of a life, I once had; grieving over the end of a 24 year old marriage which I so badly wanted to end anyways; grieving over the loss & betrayal of close friends who left when I needed them the most, – it’s all come together- these profound losses which have sort of strung themselves together and become a noose around my neck.

And one needs to go through this mess- the mess of grieving – for that is the only way to get through this tunnel. For grief in itself is a process- a process wherein you allow yourself the kindness and compassion to heal yourself. It’s slow and it’s messy but it is also empowering. Going through this morass is the only path to reach the other end.

And once you are aware that this is where you are and this is what you are meant to go through, the path eases a bit. It is still messy and heartbreaking ; it still rips you apart a bit more  every day; it makes you want to disappear or lose yourself somewhere where it’s hard to find a way back to your own inner world and yet this is exactly what one needs to go through , to emerge on the other side of this grief.

It may take months or years, but your soul knows how much time it needs to get past the wounds that are slowly metamorphosing into scars. The soul works on its own timeline and it has nothing to do with the timeline that you adhere to in the physical world.

All one needs to give oneself is time, and be mindful of what one is experiencing at the present moment, without fighting it like a Knight bent upon winning the battle, even at the cost of killing someone.

And mind you, we don’t have a choice when it comes to grieving.

What is lost, has to be grieved and not bypassed .

For what is not grieved, will grow like poisonous tentacles inside us and will drown us when we least expect it to.

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Ruin is a gift.

” Where there is ruin, there is hope for a treasure.” – Rumi

Life can only be understood in hindsight but it must be lived in the present- in the here & now. And when you are down in the dumps; in a crisis that renders you paralysed or stuck and unable to move forward, remember that your biggest and most precious treasures would be found there.

When I realized about 8 years ago that my marriage is over, for good- that all my efforts to sustain it, revive it or nurture it further or even to make it breathe had come to naught, I knew it was the universe’s way of telling me to move on. To let go of it gracefully and find a new path for myself.

My wounded healer archetype kicked in big time and I understood , I could use my pain in my writings to help other distressed souls. The need to delve deeper into myself resulted in a series of study courses and certifications- Soul Coaching, Angel Therapy, NLP, Archetypal Consulting & Angel Card Reading – all added to my becoming an Intuitive Coach & Healer adding on to my being a Writer & Poet.

But most of all, what my ruined marriage taught me was to stand tall than ever. And to understand love at a very deep, intimate level.

Our life expands and contracts in proportion to our courage. And to use one’s pain to deepen our connection to the self is the highest service we can do for love of the self and that requires immense courage. But courage comes shrouded in fear and doubt & the battle which we fight within is the most crucial.

Bitterness, being a victim, refusing to forgive the one who has caused you pain, anger, frustration, more anger, breakdown, the dark night of the soul- these are humps every soul goes through on the path of letting go – what we may call the path towards enlightenment. Breakup of marriage; financial loss; loss of a loved one; heartbreak are all triggers to guide us to reach within and reach our highest self.

And one must allow the process – to allow ourselves to be healed- slowly and surely. Impatience only delays the healing process.

The journey of coming to terms with whatever has been taken away or has been destroyed forever- psychically or emotionally or physically is where you will find your biggest strength and that’s the only journey that will bring out the Buddha in you.

Thich Nhat Hanh explains it beautifully in his book- The heart of the Buddha’s teaching-

“When we recognize and acknowledge our own suffering, the Buddha- which means the Buddha in pexels-photo-210448us- will look at it, discover what has brought it about, and prescribe a course of action that can transform it into peace, joy and liberation. Suffering is the means the Buddha used to liberate himself, and it is also the means by which we can become free.”

 

Working with the spirit

It is so easy for us to work with our minds, a bit hard to work with our hearts totally and we find it completely incomprehensible to work with our spirit- mainly because it requires a different mindset or rather one needs to train oneself to partner with the spirit at all times.

So how does one work with the spirit, you may ask?

Working with spirit requires a primary condition of having unquestioning faith and trust in the divine- of believing that whatever is meant for you will never go past you – that everything is a gift, however painful- of surrendering your will to the divine will and living in the moment without letting the past hurt or haunt you.

Yes, it’s not easy but then working from the state of ego all the time is neither easy as well. It’s fearful, second guesses your motives and leaves you unfulfilled.

When we practice forgiveness on a regular basis- not premature forgiveness, or superficial closure but deep- down- in- the- bones forgiveness which gushes out like a spring of freshwater  after anger has been released and tempered , do we actually begin to understand the true meaning of being alive .

When we live intensely in the present and stop looking at the future with rose tinted glasses or nurture unrealistic expectations from life, that’s when the spirit gets fully awakened and responds to our needs and wishes just the way it is required to, for our best and highest .

When you begin looking at your life with love rather than bitterness and doubt and fear, magic happens. It’s an attitude that needs to be cultivated and nourished.

The mind will offer you immense calculations and permutations to look at a situation or person in a practical, logical way but the spirit will quietly tell you what to do, what you need to do by shutting off what’s not essential for your growth. It will never confuse you or deceive you. It’s that voice which you can’t stop listening to, however hard you try to stifle it.

And once you learn to work with the spirit, you can direct the course of your own destiny and step out of your fate. Learn , unlearn, grow, unlearn- become a child again, become foolish, stop questioning why things happen as they do…just embrace , surrender and accept whatever is being gifted to you at the present moment. Let the spirit take you over.

@Meenu