It has just hit me- my lightbulb moment- and everything seems to make sense all of a sudden.
Triggered by a powerful article, I just read- I realize what has been happening to me past few months which was becoming a bit of a mystery for me. I was not trying to detangle it at the cost of hurting myself – I am too sensitive for that. Nor was I beating up myself to unravel this shadow or darkness which has suddenly taken over my life and seem to overpower me completely.
I was aware it was something that needed to be seen and felt because it has set me up on a trail of tears which just keep flowing at the slightest nudge.
And it finally dawned on me today. Just one word and accepting it has broken through all the darkness- grieving.
I had been grieving without being consciously aware of it or mindful of it…and now that this has thrown light on that darkness, I feel illuminated.
Grieving over the empty nest- my kids having flown away because of their studies; grieving over leaving a country and relocating back after more than a decade to a place I grew up in and left while my parents were still alive; grieving over the loss of a life, I once had; grieving over the end of a 24 year old marriage which I so badly wanted to end anyways; grieving over the loss & betrayal of close friends who left when I needed them the most, – it’s all come together- these profound losses which have sort of strung themselves together and become a noose around my neck.
And one needs to go through this mess- the mess of grieving – for that is the only way to get through this tunnel. For grief in itself is a process- a process wherein you allow yourself the kindness and compassion to heal yourself. It’s slow and it’s messy but it is also empowering. Going through this morass is the only path to reach the other end.
And once you are aware that this is where you are and this is what you are meant to go through, the path eases a bit. It is still messy and heartbreaking ; it still rips you apart a bit more every day; it makes you want to disappear or lose yourself somewhere where it’s hard to find a way back to your own inner world and yet this is exactly what one needs to go through , to emerge on the other side of this grief.
It may take months or years, but your soul knows how much time it needs to get past the wounds that are slowly metamorphosing into scars. The soul works on its own timeline and it has nothing to do with the timeline that you adhere to in the physical world.
All one needs to give oneself is time, and be mindful of what one is experiencing at the present moment, without fighting it like a Knight bent upon winning the battle, even at the cost of killing someone.
And mind you, we don’t have a choice when it comes to grieving.
What is lost, has to be grieved and not bypassed .
For what is not grieved, will grow like poisonous tentacles inside us and will drown us when we least expect it to.
Coming back to India after spending a decade in the Middle East ( Muscat & Dubai) has been a fascinating experience to say the least.
To be honest, I was very skeptical and scared of coming back home to a place I had left ten years ago and had since moulded myself into a life of superior lifestyle, open attitudes, and embracing the joys of living in a global, advanced, top rated tourist destination (city) in the world- it was not going to be easy. And I was aware of this challenge even before I landed here, in Delhi. Visiting your home town is a different ball game than relocating. And India has changed so much over the years- women’s safety, living alone, infrastructure challenges, attitudes of people, being with friends / family with whom one had had long distance relationships- everything carried a question mark at the end. But life is all about embracing the change.
And change is the only constant in life. Coming back home has been like coming back to myself- almost like fitting into a groove that had been empty for a while now. It’s not about adjusting into an unknown, unfamiliar place but about discovering things about myself which I had been unable to explore till now. It’s almost like connecting with a part of me that I had been yearning for , for a long time.
Solitude is a great healer and the lessons it teaches are phenomenal. Being utterly alone, strips you off all your illusions and burns off all that you don’t need anymore. And my experience has been illuminating till now and continues to be.
Living alone in India as a woman carries its own dynamic but I feel , once you know yourself well and understand the intricacies of a place and how it functions and operates , it can be easy . Each place carries its own aura and energy field & how we approach our life and its provocations depends totally on how refined our interior self is.
Compassion, courage and wisdom are virtues that develop differently in each of us . And our empowerment and growth as a soul will depend directly on these three attributes and how we nurture these inside us.
I miss Dubai terribly and each time I do, I bring myself back to the here & now, the present moment and count my blessings.
Comparisons are instinctive. My favorite brand of coffee is not available here, neither is my preferred toothpaste; the kind of clothes, shoes, bags I used to shop for in Dubai are nowhere to be seen here ;being able to drive alone late at night back in Dubai; to be able to walk alone on the road without bothering what clothes I am wearing…the list is too long . And yet, it’s heartening to know that we humans can adapt to new places or people if we allow ourselves to flow with whatever is coming our way rather than resist and let our disappointment get the better of us.
No two places are ever alike. And will never be.
My home is now an amalgamation of things I have collected both from Muscat and Dubai and my heart is full of the love I have received and continue to receive from some great , close friends who entered my life precisely because I lived in these places.
I am richer in experiences and friendships today and am immensely grateful for the way living in these places broadened my view of the world and of life. It’s a priceless treasure that’s only mine and can never be quantified.
They say, home is where the heart is- but I feel, home is where your soul is. And your soul is its own sacred space. I can relocate to any part of the world now and still feel at home because once you find your home in your soul, you can just keep coming back to it, no matter where you live.
And relocating back to my home town has illumined this truth, magnificently.