Divorces can be sacred

How I prepared myself and my kids 

Divorces are not always about affairs, cheating, infidelity or alcoholism or abuse. Sometimes two people who are right in their own way can be wrong for each other and can grow apart in a marriage which has survived close to two decades.

Mine has been one such marriage.

I could have walked out of my insipid marriage almost a decade ago when I realized how lost I was in this relationship. Everything seems to be bursting at the seams but I knew I had to give it all I could or all it needed before calling it dead. That was the only way to come out of it without being broken.

Relationships don’t work because we work hard to make them work; they work because they need to flow without being forced.

We were two different people- as distinct as chalk & cheese. The only thread that connected us was our two wonderful kids and THAT is never a good enough reason to stay in an unhappy marriage, never. It’s an illusion most couples feed themselves to hide the truth.

The decision to leave was not hard, the hardest part was how to leave – in other words, how to break a family with minimum collateral damage.

I needed to prepare my kids (one a teenager, the other in pre-teens) emotionally and mentally. Preparing them was also a catalytic way of preparing my own self (which I only realize in hindsight now). At that point, all I knew was that I had to arm them well to face this upheaval with courage and strength & sensitivity and teach them to be not afraid of being vulnerable.

It was a very subtle preparation. I would not hide my feelings when any tension propped up between me and their father- I would express myself lucidly & even break down sometimes in front of them and tell them exactly how I felt, how I don’t feel connected to him anymore and how I needed to be away from him in order to survive my own self and remain sane.

My kids tell me now, “It was ingrained in your parenting, Mom…the different layers…the fact that you did not hide anything from us …it was just our upbringing that made us accept this easily.”

I also realized, I needed to heal myself fully before I stepped out of this marriage. I didn’t want to carry any bitterness, hurts, wounds, and grudges as part of my baggage. It had to be buried before I moved on.

Hitting the gym daily restored my sanity. I undertook Certification as NLP Practitioner; became an Angel Card Reader preceded by enrolling for an Archetypal Consultant course to understand my archetypes and delve deeper into my soul to explore who I was at the deepest core & what made me up as a person…it was an inner journey that empowered me immensely. Casting one archetype in each astrological house in my natal chart revealed how I felt, thought and behaved. It was fascinating getting to know myself as never before.

The slow and steady disintegration of the marriage revealed greater truths. It helped me understand why it had not worked, what went wrong where, the gaps, the expectations, the disappointments, the fears, the shadows, the darkness and the growing shrinkage of any possibility of a patch –up.

The moment we ceased to be man & wife, the dynamics of the relationship were altered forever. Once the sex was taken out of the equation along with ceasing to be a couple, socially & emotionally the marriage eased and we could help each other heal and since the physical/ mental attraction was on its deathbed, getting back together was off the table as an option.

We were both no longer trying to make it work & wounding each other in the process, instead it was all about releasing each other and letting go of the marriage with as much compassion and kindness possible, although, it wasn’t easy.

Many wounds were re-visited, many emotions and feelings tangled & de-tangled, many scars glorified and flaunted- it was messy as hell.

It took 8 years to reach a point where the kids were comfortable with a separation and matured enough to understand its deeper intricacies. And we as parents were at a place where we wished to be friends (after spending 24 years of our lives together) and wanted to be there in each other’s life- as a presence that won’t fade away; as someone you could turn to in a crisis.

Now separated, life is slowly falling in place for all four of us.

The grieving period of losing a life I once had, and being someone’s wife is gradually coming to a closure. And as I pick up the threads of my new life, I am at peace that I am heading towards a Sacred Divorce– something I had always wished and prayed for.

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Why lust is cardinal to understand love?

Lust has mostly been considered a dirty, low frequency word by most and yet it is the cardinal passage to cross on our journey to understanding love.

Most of us, especially the ones who got married early find it hard to discern love and lust and we do not even consider it as something important to delve into- after all if you are happily married and getting your regular dose of sex, why bother to even understand whether it truly is love that is binding you to be together or is it lust that is keeping the marriage threaded?  Mind you, both are essential.

“Lust is the fire, Love is the fuel and without one the other doesn’t last for too long.”- to use my own quote.

We mistake the heights of passion as love and yet when those plummet after the initial euphoria of a new relationship/ marriage wanes, what remains is what is real. Most of the times, by the time the kids arrive and we are snugly attached to the marriage, it’s safe, sane & convenient to call it love.

But here is the paradox; going thru those throes of passion are a must to nurture the love inside us as well but there is a need to discern one from the other in order to truly understand the meaning of true love.

It took me sixteen years to realize that what I felt in my marriage as love wasn’t.

It was an illusion of love. And the funny thing about illusion is that it looks and feels exactly like truth…the ‘Maya”. And yet my soul knew from the beginning that there was something missing in my marriage but it was hard for me to decipher it.

2 lovely kids, secure life, caring husband- it all seemed perfect and I named it love. Isn’t that all I ever wished for? But it was all in the shadow- all darkness, the light was still far. Although it was all churning in my unconscious, my consciousness had still to acknowledge it…my awareness had yet not kicked in.

So after sixteen years of being lost and apparently happy in a marriage which seemed perfect to the outside world, I came to understand the missing link.

I could separate the love from lust like chaff from wheat. The threshing was a revelation.

As I became a fiction writer, confronted myself through my writings, interacted with other men, formed deep friendships with them, the truth dawned.

I knew I didn’t love my (now estranged) husband deeply enough. If I did, I would want to be with him- not for the sake of the kids but for him and us.

I also realized the dichotomy of marriage and love. They were two different dimensions which could overlap and merge at times but they were distinct from one another. The former being an arrangement, the later being a vibration- our highest frequency as humans.

To fit this powerful vibration into a living arrangement is like capturing the early morning, fresh, invigorating mountain breeze in a jar- such a waste to even try.

You need to feel the fire between bodies; you need to feel attracted to each other- no matter what your age or the age of your relationship and that is the catalyst for experiencing love and yet you should be able to understand one from the other, even if they are finally meshed.

Lust is the physical desire -to be around someone, to touch, to feel their presence. Love is the soul; Body is the temple and lust is the expression of that divine temple.

Now, nearing 50 and in love, I understand love on a different level as compared to what I did in my 20’s. Surrendering to lust has taught me so much about the power of empowering & unconditional love.

Lust is pure, unadulterated desire of the body minus the mish- mash and burden of emotions. It’s the sacred fire needed to strip one of all illusions which mask love and you have to be unafraid of experiencing lust to unravel the true gem of love from the buried depths of your being.


This blog was written for www.bonobology.com