It has just hit me- my lightbulb moment- and everything seems to make sense all of a sudden.
Triggered by a powerful article, I just read- I realize what has been happening to me past few months which was becoming a bit of a mystery for me. I was not trying to detangle it at the cost of hurting myself – I am too sensitive for that. Nor was I beating up myself to unravel this shadow or darkness which has suddenly taken over my life and seem to overpower me completely.
I was aware it was something that needed to be seen and felt because it has set me up on a trail of tears which just keep flowing at the slightest nudge.
And it finally dawned on me today. Just one word and accepting it has broken through all the darkness- grieving.
I had been grieving without being consciously aware of it or mindful of it…and now that this has thrown light on that darkness, I feel illuminated.
Grieving over the empty nest- my kids having flown away because of their studies; grieving over leaving a country and relocating back after more than a decade to a place I grew up in and left while my parents were still alive; grieving over the loss of a life, I once had; grieving over the end of a 24 year old marriage which I so badly wanted to end anyways; grieving over the loss & betrayal of close friends who left when I needed them the most, – it’s all come together- these profound losses which have sort of strung themselves together and become a noose around my neck.
And one needs to go through this mess- the mess of grieving – for that is the only way to get through this tunnel. For grief in itself is a process- a process wherein you allow yourself the kindness and compassion to heal yourself. It’s slow and it’s messy but it is also empowering. Going through this morass is the only path to reach the other end.
And once you are aware that this is where you are and this is what you are meant to go through, the path eases a bit. It is still messy and heartbreaking ; it still rips you apart a bit more every day; it makes you want to disappear or lose yourself somewhere where it’s hard to find a way back to your own inner world and yet this is exactly what one needs to go through , to emerge on the other side of this grief.
It may take months or years, but your soul knows how much time it needs to get past the wounds that are slowly metamorphosing into scars. The soul works on its own timeline and it has nothing to do with the timeline that you adhere to in the physical world.
All one needs to give oneself is time, and be mindful of what one is experiencing at the present moment, without fighting it like a Knight bent upon winning the battle, even at the cost of killing someone.
And mind you, we don’t have a choice when it comes to grieving.
What is lost, has to be grieved and not bypassed .
For what is not grieved, will grow like poisonous tentacles inside us and will drown us when we least expect it to.